


looking up

by kiholove



Series: kiho monthly [4]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: M/M, kiho monthly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-28
Updated: 2018-03-28
Packaged: 2019-04-14 03:49:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14127432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiholove/pseuds/kiholove
Summary: Hoseok's entire life changed the night he found him, the night he foundKihyun.





	looking up

Hoseok unlocks and opens the door to his tiny studio apartment and quietly steps inside, surprised to find all of the lights turned off and the entire space still and quiet, bathed in hushed, soft darkness. He's just come back from his Wednesday evening class, advanced physics, and had taken the long walk across campus and down several blocks of the tiny college town to get to his quaint little apartment building. And it's strange, because his... _roommate_...doesn't like to be alone, much less in the dark, and Hoseok usually gets a warm greeting upon his arrival home each night.

"Kihyun?" he calls out as softly as he can, but his voice still sounds too loud in the silence, "Kihyunnie?"

There's no answer, and it's so quiet that Hoseok can hear his own heart beating loudly in his head, and even the blood pumping through his veins. He wonders if Kihyun can hear it too. Even after the months they've spent together now, there's still a lot that Hoseok doesn't know about Kihyun. In fact, Hoseok really doesn't know much of anything about Kihyun, not really, he's only barely scratched the surface. On the other hand, sometimes it feels like Kihyun knows Hoseok inside and out, like Kihyun knows Hoseok better than Hoseok knows himself. 

"Kihyun?" Hoseok calls out again, shutting the door quietly behind him and walking through the small hallway, his steps slow and gentle so as not to startle the other boy, who has proven to be skittish and easily frightened. 

Hoseok passes the door to the bathroom and the open kitchen area and enters the living space, carefully moving in the dark, guided only by natural light, by the streams of moonlight coming in from the two large windows on the opposite wall from the door, one over his bed and the other over his desk and tiny sofa. 

As he approaches, Hoseok can finally see Kihyun sitting on the single twin bed that they share, curled up in a little ball with his arms hugging his knees, looking out at the night sky through the window, looking out at the stars. Hoseok can see them reflected in Kihyun's wide, beautiful eyes. 

"Kihyunnie," Hoseok murmurs, setting his backpack down on the floor and approaching the bed, "it's me. It's Hoseok."

Kihyun finally seems to notice Hoseok's presence, turning his head away from the window to look at him, and their eyes meet in the dark. Neither one says anything, and Kihyun gives a soft little smile before turning back to the window, makes a quiet, breathy noise of acknowledgement, almost like a sigh. 

He's sad. Hoseok doesn't know how he knows it, but he just does. Kihyun is devastated about something, his heart aching terribly. And with that, Hoseok sits down on the bed beside him, cautious, wondering what this could all be about.

Kihyun doesn't move as the mattress dips and creaks from Hoseok's weight, and Hoseok can see now that Kihyun is barefoot and still wearing his pajamas from last night. Well, _Hoseok's_ pajamas, technically, Hoseok's clothes, a large t-shirt and pair of boxers reaching about mid-thigh. Everything Kihyun wears is Hoseok's, because when Hoseok found him all those months ago, when Hoseok took him in, Kihyun had nothing, literally nothing. 

Hoseok had found Kihyun wandering in the tiny patch of woods behind his apartment building, all alone and stark naked save for a strange black metal collar around his neck, one which he still wore to this day and which seemed to be impossible to remove, seemed to be embedded into his skin. It had been a night much like tonight, Hoseok coming back from an evening class, and Kihyun had been extremely disoriented, scared and lost and confused, weeping, tiny and frail like a child, and so Hoseok had taken him in for the night, thinking he might be a missing person incapable of surviving alone and separated from his caretakers.

It had been a little weird, maybe a little dangerous even, to just let a complete stranger into his apartment like that, especially one who might be mentally unstable, but Hoseok's gut had told him that Kihyun wasn't dangerous, and that he needed help, and so Hoseok had helped him, approached him carefully with a flashlight and taken Kihyun's small, soft, smooth hand in his own, spoken quietly and explained to Kihyun that he could stay with Hoseok for the night, that Hoseok was going to take care of him and get him back home. 

And Kihyun didn't speak, just looked at Hoseok with those wide, teary eyes of his and blinked, sniffling, shivering from the cold breeze on his naked body. Hoseok had quickly discovered that Kihyun didn't seem to speak any language, communicated only by a variety of soft noises, but he seemed to understand Hoseok's words and Hoseok's intentions, that they were caring and concerned, and so he had shyly accepted the hold on his hand, had shyly returned it, and went along with Hoseok back to Hoseok's apartment.

That night, Hoseok had helped Kihyun to wash up in the shower, because Kihyun had seemed confused by it, like he'd never seen a shower before despite the fact that his hair smelled like flowers and his skin was beautiful, pearly-white and silky-smooth like a baby. Afterwards, Hoseok had given Kihyun some clothes and had let Kihyun sleep in his bed, the little guy knocking out almost immediately and snoring softly. Hoseok, on the other hand, didn't sleep at all that night; instead, he stayed up into the early hours of the morning calling around to every police station, hospital, and psychiatric institution for miles, trying to figure out who this mysterious, lost boy was and where he belonged. 

But he found nothing. There was no record of Kihyun anywhere, and the more information that Hoseok tried to get from Kihyun himself, the more mysterious things became. When he asked Kihyun directly who he was and where he came from, Kihyun just looked out the window and pointed up to the sky. 

And so, Hoseok had concluded that until he could find where Kihyun belonged and ensure his safe return home, Kihyun could stay with him. After all, he couldn't just throw someone like Kihyun out onto the streets, someone so seemingly fragile and childlike, vulnerable, helpless. No, Hoseok had decided then that he would take care of him for a few days, just until they could get things sorted out.

A few days had turned into a few weeks had turned into a few months and now, Hoseok can't imagine life without him, without _Kihyun_.

Kihyun. It's not even his real name; Hoseok has no idea what that is. After asking Kihyun about it for several days and realizing that Kihyun either didn't know his own name or didn't have one, Hoseok had picked one at random from the phonebook, thinking that the name "Kihyun" suited the mysterious boy, because it was a cute, innocent-sounding name, and Kihyun is just that, cute and innocent. 

Kihyun is many things, as Hoseok has come to discover. He's warm and kind, affectionate, gentle, playful. He's also quite sharp, a fast learner and able to understand things easily, not at all as helpless and vulnerable as Hoseok had initially thought that he was. In fact, he's extremely intelligent, maybe even more intelligent than Hoseok is, judging by the way he's always able to help Hoseok with his physics and math homework, solve the most difficult, confusing equations like they're nothing, like they're basic child's play. 

And Kihyun is special, Hoseok has learned. Special because of the things that he can do. 

It's Kihyun's abilities that defy logical explanation, like the way he can turn lights on and off without touching them, and the way he can move objects with his mind, and the way he seems to be able to communicate with Hoseok perfectly despite never once uttering a single word, as if the two of them have developed a kind of telepathic connection in which the most complex thoughts and intricate emotions can be made perfectly clear through a shared glance, or a soft sigh, or a gentle touch. 

It had all been impossible to explain and impossible to understand at first, and the more amazing things that Hoseok had witnessed from Kihyun, the more Hoseok had realized that he had stumbled upon something extraordinary, or rather, that something extraordinary had stumbled upon him. _Someone_ extraordinary. 

As time had gone by, Hoseok had learned many new things about Kihyun, had learned something new every day. He had learned that Kihyun enjoys cooking, for example. Despite being frightened of Hoseok's kitchen appliances at first, Kihyun had learned quickly and had gotten quite good at it. Kihyun also likes movies, likes watching them one after another while curled up at Hoseok's side on the tiny little sofa, staring in awe at the people interacting on the screen, taking it all in like a sponge, while Hoseok is always too busy watching Kihyun with fascination to pay attention himself. 

And Kihyun really likes Hoseok, he likes him a lot. He waits in Hoseok's room for him all day while Hoseok is at his classes, and when Hoseok finally returns home each evening, Kihyun always rushes to the door and hugs him so tightly, throwing his arms around Hoseok's shoulders and making cute, fond little noises like a kitten right into Hoseok's ear when Hoseok returns the embrace, wrapping his strong arms around Kihyun's tiny frame. And Kihyun will listen with his full attention, spellbound, sitting on the edge of Hoseok's bed with his hands folded in his lap, as Hoseok putters around the closet and bathroom, telling Kihyun all about his day as he washes up and gets ready to sleep.

And when it comes to bedtime, they sleep together every night on Hoseok's twin bed. It's a tight fit in such a small space but it's also cozy, and comforting, in a strange sort of way that Hoseok can't quite explain. Hoseok had originally let Kihyun have the bed while he slept on the couch, but Kihyun had had nightmares, bad ones, and so Hoseok had started sleeping right there in the bed with him, spooning him from behind protectively, and it seemed to do the trick. 

On the weekends, and sometimes during the week if he has some free time, Hoseok takes Kihyun out into the little college town, and they go to the cafes, or to the little shops, or they just stroll down the scenic suburban streets, and Kihyun is always so fascinated by everything, like he's seeing all of this perfectly ordinary stuff for the first time. And it's so endearing, so charming, and Hoseok soon realizes that he really likes Kihyun too.

They like _each other_ , and have grown very close, closer perhaps than Hoseok has ever been with anyone else in his life. Kihyun just seems to always understand Hoseok's every mood and every feeling, even when he can't understand them on his own, and Kihyun always knows exactly what to do for Hoseok, and how to take care of him when he needs it most, whether it's listening to Hoseok's troubles with boundless sympathy, or making Hoseok smile with his never-ending cuteness, or always being there for him when he's feeling his lowest and loneliest, Kihyun a constant, loving companion that Hoseok can trust and rely on for anything. If Hoseok didn't know any better, he'd swear that Kihyun is his guardian angel. 

And truthfully, Hoseok supposes that he's something of a guardian angel for Kihyun in return. Sweet little Kihyun, who seems so lost in the world. But Hoseok is always there to guide him, and to protect him, to make him feel comfortable, to be there for him as his caretaker and nurturer whenever he needs it, to be the strong arms that he can curl up into and feel safe, feel like he's _home_. 

Their bond has become something deep, something profound, and seeing Kihyun like this right now, Kihyun who's usually so bright and vibrant and full of life, seeing him looking so down, so... _defeated_ , it makes Hoseok's chest burn, like his own heart and Kihyun's are one and the same. And after all this time they've spent together, and how special it's all been, he wouldn't be surprised if they were. 

"Kihyunnie," Hoseok murmurs, trying again. He rests his hand on the bed, palm facing up, in the space between them, an offer that Kihyun can accept if he wants to. A few long moments go by and Kihyun doesn't respond, doesn't even move or make a sound, and Hoseok's chest aches again, pressure pounding in his head and behind his eyes.

Hoseok sighs and gets up from the bed, leaves Kihyun alone for the time being even though it only makes him more worried. Still, he goes about his business, showers and brushes his teeth and changes into a clean t-shirt and loose pajamas pants, his bare feet pattering softly on the wood floor as he moves around as quietly as possible, trying not to disturb Kihyun any further. 

The entire time, he keeps one eye on Kihyun, keeps careful watch on him, but Kihyun doesn't move even an inch, seemingly fixed into place, like a sculpture, staring out the window with that look in his eyes, that look of unfathomable sorrow that Hoseok doesn't understand but somehow he _understands_ , like he doesn't know the reason behind it but he feels it too, he feels it because Kihyun feels it.

He turns off all of the lights and finally returns to the bed, sits down gently beside Kihyun once again, slowly and carefully so that Kihyun is not startled by his return. But Kihyun shows no reaction at all, and Hoseok lets out a low hum, concerned, because this is so unlike Kihyun, so unlike anything he's ever done.

"Kihyunnie," he whispers, "please look at me. What is it?"

Kihyun still doesn't move or respond, and Hoseok wonders if maybe it's best for him to sleep on the couch for tonight, for the first time in months, because it seems like Kihyun doesn't want him there. It hurts him deeply, to think that, and that he doesn't even know why, but if Kihyun wants to be alone tonight, then Hoseok will oblige. He'll always do what's best for Kihyun, even if it hurts. 

Hoseok sighs again, slowly, a long, deep exhalation, and he moves to rise from the bed, stopped only by Kihyun's tiny, soft hand suddenly closed around his wrist. 

Hoseok's heart skips a beat and he looks down at Kihyun, so ethereal bathed in the light of the moon coming in from the window, and Kihyun is looking right at Hoseok as he clutches onto Hoseok's wrist, looking right into Hoseok's eyes. 

And Kihyun's eyes are like the mosaics of a kaleidoscope, big and wide and shining with light, glistening with unshed tears and the thousands of emotions sparkling in their depths. His plush lips are parted slightly in a silent breath, and his cheeks are flushed pink, his hand warm on Hoseok's wrist, closed right around Hoseok's pulse. He looks to Hoseok like something not of this world, impossibly, devastatingly beautiful, and the two of them are frozen in place, an eternity passing as they look at each other, the whole room so absolutely silent that it's like they aren't even on Earth anymore, but on a higher plane, a plane in between this universe and the next. 

Kihyun lets out a soft, little noise, light and clear and timid, and Hoseok understands what it means, and what Kihyun wants. 

Kihyun releases Hoseok's wrist and Hoseok moves to crawl onto the bed, moving until he's hovering over Kihyun on all fours, Kihyun uncurling from his position and splaying out beneath him on his back, head resting on Hoseok's pillow, his hands sliding up and around Hoseok's waist to grip onto Hoseok's shoulder blades and Hoseok's hands planting firmly on either side of Kihyun's face, his knees straddling Kihyun's hips. 

Nothing happens for a long time, they just hold like that, breathing in sync, their eyes darting all over each other's faces, the shadows casting beautifully over Kihyun's features, and Hoseok's heart is pounding so hard that it hurts, and he still doesn't understand _why_ but he understands what, what Kihyun wants, what he wants, what they are, what they are _now_.

And he'd be lying if he said that he hadn't thought about this happening, hadn't known that this was where it was all leading ever since that night when he found Kihyun in the woods. After all, Kihyun is the most beautiful thing Hoseok has ever seen and the most incredible person that Hoseok has ever known, and Hoseok's perfect match in every way. He realizes now that this was all inevitable, a natural result of a natural sequence of events, and he wonders why he didn't see it before when it was always plain and clear, as plain and clear and undeniable as the sky above them and the ground below, as the moon shining through the window and the stillness in the air as Hoseok lowers himself down from his hands to his forearms, slowly. 

Kihyun's hands on his back help to guide him downwards, the bed creaking at their shifting weight and the blankets rustling beneath them, and in the next moment their eyes slip closed and their lips meet for the first time, a smooth, wet, perfect fit, and it's pure magic, like the birth of a new star or the magnificent arch of a comet, both of them sighing into it softly, together, a release of tension and of pressure and of the millions of shared feelings between them.

They separate only after a long moment, just barely with their eyes still closed, their breath mixing together in the fraction of space between their lips. And Hoseok returns to Kihyun's mouth a moment later for another kiss, and another, and another, and it's so sweet and slow and perfectly, effortlessly coordinated like they're a part of each other's orbit, and Kihyun's fingers curl wonderfully at the back of Hoseok's neck, his fingertips pressing gently into the hot skin.

Hoseok can feel the push of Kihyun's warm, wet tongue on his closed lips with each kiss, and soon, their mouths open and they deepen the kisses, their tongues finding each other and pressing together, tangling together as Hoseok starts grinding down and forward against Kihyun's body pressed flush to his own, desperate for contact and friction. Kihyun's hands slide up into Hoseok's hair, his fingers threading inside and his head tilting as they slot together deeper, more intensely, Kihyun's soft noises into Hoseok's mouth like perfect little supernovas bursting in Hoseok's heart.

They move against each other as they keep kissing and eventually, their legs tangle together and they start pulling off clothing until Hoseok is naked and Kihyun is wearing only Hoseok's large t-shirt, and they roll over on the bed so that Kihyun is now on top of Hoseok, the bed creaking loudly at their change in position, and their bare skin is hot and electric at every molecule of contact.

They continue kissing and rubbing against each other, moving in a slow harmony as they tightly embrace, Kihyun's body so small and delicate in Hoseok's arms and yet so wonderfully warm and soft, the perfect contrast to Hoseok's hard, firm muscles, their thighs and pelvises sliding against each other, and the sensations are almost too much, and Hoseok feels like crying, can feel his body growing hot and coiled, the pressure intense and contracted deep inside of him, building more and more with each second.

At some point, Hoseok reaches blindly at his side towards the night stand, pulling the top drawer open and sliding his hand inside to retrieve the bottle of lubricant that he hasn't touched since before Kihyun came into his life. After all, he had only used it when he was feeling lonely, and since Kihyun had arrived, he never felt lonely, not anymore.

They don't separate from each other's mouths even as they prep each other with slicked hands, as Kihyun reaches down to stroke Hoseok's length to hardness and as Hoseok's hands find Kihyun's ass, pulling Kihyun's cheeks open and pushing his fingers inside to stretch him. They don't separate, but they moan, and their kisses grow messier and more desperate, and the heat builds between them until they're both shaking with need and the glorious build of pleasure low in their bodies.

When they're both ready, Kihyun finally separates from Hoseok's lips and moves carefully, his hands pressing to balance on Hoseok's chest as he sits up and back on his knees, straddling Hoseok's hips and his bare ass resting on Hoseok's pelvis. Hoseok's heart is pounding so hard and he's breathing heavily, heaving beneath Kihyun's fingertips, like there's not enough air in the room and he's drowning in the most wonderful way, and their eyes meet again, Kihyun looking down at him from a half-lidded gaze. And Kihyun right now, with his gasping breaths and his bright pink lips wet with spit, his eyes glazed over and his face red, his tiny frame swimming in Hoseok's shirt, it's like looking at art, like seeing a perfect moment captured in time, and Hoseok thinks that if he died right now, right at this moment, he'd die in bliss.

Kihyun rocks back and forth over Hoseok's pelvis, his ass pressing down into Hoseok's length, and it feels so good that they both moan out loud at the contact, and Hoseok slides his hands up and under the large t-shirt that Kihyun is still wearing, slides them up the hot skin of Kihyun's stomach and waist to rest them on Kihyun's chest. Kihyun sighs in pleasure and brings his own hands up to rest over the t-shirt and right on top of Hoseok's hands, and he doesn't break eye contact as he carefully lifts up on his knees, lines himself up, and lowers himself down, Hoseok's length pushing inside of him in one smooth motion.

Kihyun winces at the pain, a few tears spilling down his cheeks, and Hoseok rubs his thumbs over the skin of Kihyun's chest and over his hard nipples soothingly, whispering hushed words of praise, murmurs of affection as Kihyun adjusts.

After a few more moments, Kihyun lets out another gentle noise and then, as he clasps onto Hoseok's hands through the fabric of the t-shirt and looks right into Hoseok's eyes, he starts to move, slowly, cautiously. He lifts himself up and back down, and he rolls his hips smoothly, like a wave, and he falls into a slow, steady rhythm, riding Hoseok so perfectly like their bodies have fused into a single entity. 

Kihyun keeps going, keeps moving up and down and rolling in and forward, and as pleasure starts to overwhelm the pain, Kihyun releases Hoseok's hands and lowers his own back to Hoseok's chest, Hoseok's sliding downward to grip onto Kihyun's hips and steady him as they both begin to lose themselves in their passion. 

Kihyun starts to go harder and faster, and he closes his eyes and throws his head back as he starts to roll and bounce harder, moaning loudly as pleasure overtakes him, and soon, Hoseok is moaning too, and squeezing Kihyun's soft hips so tightly he wonders if they'll break, shatter like glass in his hands. And Kihyun's noises are so clear and loud and beautiful, and his hands on Hoseok's chest are like sweet, burning fire.

The marvelous, hot pressure of impending orgasm builds between them until Hoseok is seeing stars and Kihyun is crying out, his ass squeezing around Hoseok's length as he climaxes with a yell, Hoseok following just seconds later, his body shaking in a rush of heat, and it's spectacular, and Hoseok thinks he's gone to heaven as his body is ravished in glorious waves of pleasure.

It takes a while for them to cool down from the impact, and the two of them stay in that position for a long time as their heartbeats slow and their breathing evens out, Hoseok feeling boneless and Kihyun still shaking on top of him. Eventually, Kihyun's trembles die down and their eyes meet again, and Hoseok finds himself unable to entirely understand the conflicting emotions he sees in Kihyun's gaze. He sees satisfaction and relief and fondness, but he also sees fear, and anguish, and regret. And he sees so much love, he can see and he can feel Kihyun's love for him, but he also sees so much pain, and it makes it all, everything that just happened and everything that has happened since the day they met, feel bittersweet, and achingly so. 

Kihyun gently climbs down from on top of Hoseok and they crawl under the covers together, Kihyun facing Hoseok and tucking himself into Hoseok's arms, burying his face into Hoseok's chest as Hoseok holds him close and kisses the top of his head, Hoseok feeling light and free and glowing with love for his sweet little Kihyunnie, but also feeling a sense of foreboding, unease at Kihyun's behavior and Kihyun's intense, amorphous, mixed-up emotions he can sense and feel in his own heart as if they were his own.

And just as Hoseok is a moment away from drifting off to sleep, just as he's about to tip over the edge into soft slumber, he swears he can feel Kihyun's arms wrap tightly around his waist, and Kihyun's tears on his skin, and though he doesn't remember it the next morning, that night, he dreams of a little baby bird, once lost and broken and now loved and cherished, flying far, far away, never to return. 

\----------

The next morning when Hoseok wakes up, Kihyun is gone without a trace.

At first, Hoseok thinks that maybe Kihyun slipped out of bed to make breakfast as per usual, or to use the bathroom or shower, or something equally innocent, but Hoseok soon realizes with horror that Kihyun's not there at all, he's gone, and Hoseok immediately panics, scrambles out of bed with a racing heart and throws on his pajamas and slippers to search the entire apartment building.

He checks every hallway and every stairwell on every floor, calling frantically for Kihyun and praying with his entire being at every corner he turns, every hallway he searches, that Kihyun will be there, wandered away and confused but still right there for Hoseok to pull into his arms and return safely to their room. 

Soon, Hoseok's running down the sidewalk outside, down every street for blocks and blocks, freezing from his thin clothing, screaming Kihyun's name, his throat clogged with sobs and his eyes watering as he's faced with the reality that Kihyun really is gone. Eventually, he collapses against a brick wall, head hanging down, and he cries, cries for what feels like hours.

When he finally returns home, he continues searching, once again calls around to police stations, hospitals, and psychiatric institutions inquiring about a lost boy with a black collar and wide eyes and soft, curly hair. He searches for weeks and weeks, searches for months, hardly eats, hardly sleeps, does everything he can to find Kihyun, stubbornly denying the truth that his heart refuses to accept. 

And he never does quite accept it, but he does eventually stop looking, because he just somehow knows, maybe from their still-lingering connection, that Kihyun isn't lost or missing, but that he _left_ , that he returned to wherever it was he originally came from. And Kihyun knew it was going to happen, had planned for it, and that last, magical night with Hoseok was his way of saying goodbye, goodbye and thank you for all of the love and care that Hoseok had given him in those wonderful months together. 

And it hurts so terribly, hurts so deeply that Hoseok spends the rest of his life always carrying that pain with him, the pain of losing the person most important to him. But he also spends the rest of his life feeling that Kihyun is always there, and sometimes, when he's all alone and he looks up at the sky, he _knows_ that Kihyun is always there, and he can feel that Kihyun still loves him even from wherever he is now.

Kihyun was, and always will be, his little guardian angel, his little baby bird, his long-lost love from up in the sky.

**Author's Note:**

> this fic is for round 1 of kiho monthly, filling the "sci-fi" theme!
> 
> if you're a monsta x or kiho fanfic writer interested in a fun fanfic writing challenge, please check out kiho monthly [here](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/kihomonthly/profile) and consider participating!
> 
> come find me on twitter @justiceforkiho


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